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An update in 30 seconds:
My grandpa died one week ago today. I got a call at 2:45pm that he passed. I bawled.
I am devastated. The man who was pretty much my father for 32 years – gone.
I am still in the denial phase of grieving – not sure how long I will stay here. Not alot of time to grieve because…
I am overwhelmed at school. 19 credit hours in 8 weeks is TOUGH.
I have finished 3 classes and started 2 more. I have 2 more 8-10 page papers due before Aug 20th (one is due next week. Have I even started looking for research? Nope)
I am worn out.
I am eating poorly (though I am trying very hard to eat better. Really, I am.)
I am not sleeping well at night.
Button-kitty is yowling all night long because he misses me.
I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and kindness my friends have shown at the loss of my grandpa.
I am still weepy at the thought of my grandpa’s death.
I am numb.
But I am surviving.
I made lasagna for dinner tonight.
I am thriving at school. I am enjoying each day.
THE CUBBIES ARE WINNING (thanks grandpa)
This week was hard.
Mr More was a big part of my life, and with his death last Saturday, I wore my heart on my sleeve for most of the week. I made it to the bathroom before it happened, but I cried on Monday during a break at grad school. The teacher is NOT A NICE PERSON and she embarrassed me in front of the class. Normally I would have just sucked it up, but since I was so emotional, it really tore me up. The other girls in the class helped calm me down, but I was a mess for a few minutes. I think the fact that I hadn’t cried since the beginning of school and I had alot of pent up stress really didn’t help the situation. 
School (other than the teacher from hell) has been going well. I love all but one of my classes, and feel like I am keeping up with the (massive amounts) of work. I have two 10 page papers due in 2 weeks, so I have a new source of stress. I have been out of school for 10 years and I can’t remember the last “academic” paper I had to write. One of the papers is for the class/teacher I dislike, so I am not excited to even start it. But I have done some of the research, so I at least know my topic and sources.
My eating has been OUT OF CONTROL. I have been “trying” the new food around school, interspersed with bringing my lunch from home. The problem with bringing my lunch is that I am not getting enough protein and I am getting WAY too much sugar. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY toooooooooooo much sugar.
My pants are getting tight and I have been feeling crappy. Also, I have a HUGE, painful underground pimple on my chin that is Reeeeeeally pretty. I went to the store Friday and bought more protein-rich foods, and more veggies. GOAL: I am going to try to bring my lunch 3 days next week and make better choices when I eat out. On the positive side, there is a Subway right downstairs from my morning classroom; they have really good healthy choices and it helps me getting veggies and protein in during the day.
I spent my day yesterday at a friend’s wedding (which was beautiful) and was able to relax by taking photos. Taking pictures and learning the ins and outs of my camera is really relaxing to me. Below are two of my (no people in the picture) favorites…
I got a new MacBook Pro laptop 2 weeks ago and I am GIDDY- I love this thing. It makes my grad school life SO much easier. I now have a reliable computer than can be completely wireless for more than 15 minutes. Oh, and that turns on (every time) when I open the lid.
OK, I gotta go figure out what I am going to eat for dinner. Will be back later this week with an update (hopefully).
Since Fitbloggin, I have been MIA when it comes to all things social media.
It wasn’t the conference– I had a BLAST.
My break had alot to do with my personal life and now that alot of the issues are resolved, I am finally ready to come back.
Lots of stuff has been happening…. Here is a little bit of this and that….
First, some news on the fitness front– I am signed up for my FIRST 1/2 MARATHON!!!! A 1/2 marathon is on my bucket list, and when my friend Loren told me about the training program that helps support the AIDS Foundation of Chicago along with giving me world-class training, I was IN! I don’t want my first real post back to be a pitch for money, but if you would like to support me on my journey to 13.1 miles, please click here for more information and a secure donation area. So far my training has been good: This is in part what I wrote as an update to my friends and family this morning:
Yesterday, I did my timing/pacing group 3 mile walk for the AIDS Foundation 1/2 Marathon. I “slogged” my way through it– “slogged” is a word I stole from amerrylife that means “slow jogging” — and did OK– 16:30 minute miles. Not the best time I have done in a race, but good enough. Because there is a time limit for the Marathon, I was put in the 14:00 minute mile group with my friend Loren. Atleast I will have a friend to help me on my journey to 13.1 miles! I am still a bit sore today, but know the more I train the faster my recovery will be.
If you have trained for a 1/2 marathon and have any tips or tricks, please let me know. I can use all the support i can get!
—
Second big news- and I am kinda burying the lead here-
I AM FINALLY GAINFULLY EMPLOYED!!!!
Cue the confetti and get out the party hats!
A big reason I have been gone from the blog is hat I have spent many a sleepless night worrying about not having a job. The past 6 months have been rough. Ok, the past 3 months have been rough. I actually enjoyed having “time” to do things I wanted to do and not have to worry about meetings, deadlines and waking up at 6 am. Without being laid off, I would never have been able to be an assistant coach for Girls on the Run. Or babysit for a great mom’s group. Or take 4pm naps!
But after a few months it got old sending out resumes and never getting a call back.
In early March, I heard about a program here in Chicago that allows people who already have a B.A. to train to become an urban teacher through “residency-style” program. The competition is stiff- out of 1000 people who apply, only around 100 people are asked to join the program. I was late in hearing about the program (they start taking applications in September and close applications April 1) but decided that I would apply and see what happened.
After a crazy application process, rigorous testing (and by rigorous I mean two 5 hour entrance tests in one day–ack!), 2 strenuous interviews and countless nights spent worrying I wouldn’t get in, I found out Friday at Noon that I have been accepted!!
I am humbled, honored and am still pinching myself.
I will begin graduate classes toward a Masters in Elementary Education in downtown Chicago on June 14th. I won’t know for a while which grade I will teach, though I applied to be a K-3rd grade teacher. My hope is for 1st grade.
Here is an issue– I may not be able to go to BlogHer now. I will be in class on Friday that weekend and I am not sure if I can miss any days of class. I will find out June 14, but if I do miss BlogHer this year, I know that I will be missing it for a good cause.
—-
3rd big news:
During the time I was going through my first and second interviews for the graduate program, I was bitten by a (spider? some sort of bug? not sure) on my left shoulder. Overnight it went from a bite to the circumference of a baseball- sized infection. It was hot to the touch, blood red and I was only able partially lift my arm.
Of course.
I went to urgent care, where they put me on a SUPER strong antibiotic and Rx strength Motrin for the swelling. I was tired, not sleeping more than 2 hours a night and feeling crappy for days after starting the meds, though my infection seemed to be healing nicely. Then I had my final interview for grad school last Tuesday — that’s when I started having numbness in my left arm and pains in my chest on the left side of my body.
I figured I was having a panic attack/stressed out from what I thought was a horrible job I did at the interview, and tried to just shrug the pain and discomfort off.
but when I woke up Wednesday morning, I was still having the same feelings. I called urgent care back, and they told me to go to the ER.
So I went.
I will spare you the details, but in short, the infection that was in my shoulder was deeper than they thought, and it was pressing on a nerve in my arm causing it to go numb. I was also having a nasty reaction to the antibiotic, which caused my blood pressure to soar to 188/66. They got me up to the observation deck, got me fluids and some kind of meds, and got an X-ray of my shoulder, just in case. I came home with a muscle relaxer and a blood pressure of 118/47. MUCH BETTER.
My arm is still a bit numb, but I am feeling much better. The meds that made me so sick are done now, and the infection seems to be gone. Thank goodness.
I have to say, the nurses and doctors at the Northwestern ER were great, but I hope to never see them again.
It has been a crazy mixed up life the past few months, but I am glad I was along for the ride.
I am not sure how my blog will change now that I am going to be training for and then teaching. I of course will continue to blog about my 1/2 marathon training, and I have short and long term goals to continue on my weight loss journey. I just have to be a bit censored now that some know my real name (though some still don’t) and I don’t want to be penalized for what I say on this blog.
First up: Winners from the Fitbloggin #4 Giveaway (better Late than never are Mindy and Gemfit! Congrats! I will be reaching out to you very soon.
This week has been weird- I have been trying my hardest to be all RAH RAH EXCITED about getting fit, my own personal body image and moving forward with my life/job/school/teaching/whatever.
But to be perfectly honest, I have been nothing but BLAH.
I think the death of my 30 year old friend 2 weeks ago (from SUEDP) and the stress/realization that I am taking 2 tests that will decide if I will be suitable for the interview process for a special masters course to become an elementary school teacher have caught up with me. I have been eating everything “bad” for me under the sun and my body is starting to rebel.
I am not holding myself accountable for the actions I am taking minute by minute. Hour by hour. Meal by meal. Day by day.
I am disappointed I am “letting” the perceived bad stuff in my life take over the good stuff. I am disappointed that I lost 14lbs in Feb/March and I am letting the lbs creep back on.
I was talking to a good friend yesterday about food issues. She is going to see a Endocrinologist who has pretty much diagnosed her with everything under the sun; POCS, pre-diabetes, etc, etc, etc. She and I have alot of the same issues: Eating when bored, stressed, or upset; one track mind eating—when you HAVE to have “insert food here” (could be veggies or french fries) because all you can thing about is ”insert food here” ; a tendency toward binge eating.
This was the first time we had been HONEST with each other and shared our struggles.
I read alot of blogs about weight loss and healthy eating and I relate to alot of the people I read. But I have to tell you—hearing her story and her struggles REALLY brought it home. She was a person I KNOW in real life that has some of the same issues that I have. And while its not OK, its OKAY.
I know what I should be doing, I am just not doing “it”.
I have tried to recommit a few times in the past few weeks but have let life get in my way. I need to use the resources that I have at my disposal help me to reach my goals. I need to go back to the WWGE (What Would Grandma Eat) way of thinking and remember how I feel when I eat sensible, small, and satiating (SSS) meals.
I know I can do it, I just need to get back on the horse, as I have done 100 times before. I just need to make sure this time is different than all the others.
I really really need to get out of this funk I am in.
I know why I am in it:
- Lost my job? Check.
- Moving across country in 25 days? Check.
- Not prepared for move across the country in 25 days? Check.
- Freaking out about money? Check.
- Stressed out to the max? Check.
- Severely out of shape? Check.
- Is my a$$-shelf back? Check.
- Eating everything I can get my hands on? Check.
- Feeling like my life is spiraling out of control? Check.
- Overwhelmed with EVERYTHING happening at the same time? Check.
Anyone going through this much change all at the same time would have the same feelings of depression I am having. I know that.
But I feel myself falling back into the old habits I had when I weighed my heaviest of all time. I come home at night, throw my purse on the counter, grab something fatty or sugary to eat and head for the couch.
There I stay until I fall asleep (usually at 7:30) then wake at 10, only to drink diet soda or something dessert-like and stay up for another 3 hours. I am T-I-R-E-D when I get up in the morning because I didn’t get a full night sleep; aaaaaand repeat.
I have to start treating myself better. My friend N and I have made a pact that when I return to Chicago, we are going to “move” atleast 2 hours a day (to start), wear pedometers, and change the way we eat immediately. Then November 1, we start (have already paid for) a 3 week bootcamp to get us back on track – the same one I started before I moved here. I am VERY EXCITED to start it again and get my butt kicked by a drill sergeant. I am also happy I will have someone to keep me accountable. I know I can get back to a place of control. I have been there before and I can do it again.
But I need to have a few goals NOW to help keep me from completely going off the deep end before I leave.
So, here is goal number 1:
I will eat oatmeal for breakfast each day this week, and I’ll finish 1 bottle of water (or more) before I leave work each day.
I know it is a small step, but I have to make small steps before I can make big ones.
My word of the week is:
ACCOUNTABILITY.
I am accountable for every move I make and every piece of food I put in my mouth.
My oatmeal is out and my bottle of water is filled and ready to eat. I will twitpic my breakfast and empty water bottle tomorrow so look for it on Twitter! (@ajlovestolose)!
(photo borrowed from here)
The past 7 days have been a life rollercoaster – both @work and @home. I am just stopping by to check in, but am going to be offline for a few more days – while I want to be here, I am overwhelmed and over stimulated. I need to chill out and be by myself.
Know that I will explain everything here as soon as I can.
I may be on Twitter so check out the left hand column for any updates.
I do miss this outlet and will be happy to have it in a few days.
I wish I was one of those cool people who could wax nostalgic about all those times they walked uphill both ways in the snow with no shoes to school/work. It would be a great story to tell my kids someday.
I am not one of those people -especially today.
When I woke up this morning, it was -18. AIR TEMP. That meant the wind chill was a balmy -31. There was no way in hell I was going to go wait at the bus stop hoping for a bus to pick me up before I became an AJcicle.
So I worked from home in my PJ’s for the 2nd day in a row.
I get so much done when I am home working – unless the 26lb fluffy cat is wanting his head rubbed or wants to "type" at the same time I am. Then, not so much gets done.
—
In other news, I am starting a Bridal Bootcamp (BB) very very soon (next week). I am one of those people that can’t be part of a gym unless I literally pass it on my way to or from work.. if it is even 1 block off the beaten path, forget it. Well, this BB is across the street from my office so I have no reason not to get my big butt over there 3 times a week for 4 weeks.
They promise a one size clothing loss in one month if I go all 12 sessions or my money back. Aaand it is only 135 bucks. That is CHEAP for Chicago.
To keep me honest, I am going to be posting 3x’s a week how I am doing- sore, bitching, happy, sad, can’t walk, can’t sit? So what. I will post. Even if I can only move my fingers enough to write a blog title. I will still post. Before I start, I am sure we will take measurements.
I am super scared of the measurements. I know they will be big, and I am afraid of the numbers.
I just have to remember that I will have smaller numbers in 4 weeks.
—
My new super secret public job is going well, though I am stressed to the max trying to get everything done on time. I downloaded a few meditation workouts from www.yogadownload.com this morning and hope it will help with the heart palpitations and "panic-attacky" symptoms I have been having since last week.
You see, last week I was in Atlanta at HQ learning that the (insert what I do now here) that we had planned to push off for a few months due to the economy being back just may instead be back on track to get out in April. Well, that meant that I am now 2 months behind. And 2 months behind is not good. Not good at all.
Oh, and the kicker of the whole thing? Is that they don’t know if (job I do now) is set in the new (original) date. Won’t know until next week. That would put me 3 months behind.
So I have moved forward with what I need to do on the assumption that we WILL be getting everything out in April. Though my stress level has been HORRIBLE and my salt intake – also bad.
No wonder I thought I was having a heart attack last Friday night.
I have been getting lots of whole wheat and have been eating lots of veggies, but the exercise (not even walking) has not been happening and my pants are getting a bit tight.
Crap.
I went to WW early last week before my trip but didn’t make it this week (chalk it up to the FREAKING FREEZING WEATHER and the fact that I have been holed up in my apt for 2 days straight.)
No, that is an excuse. I could have gone to WW meeting if I would have thought I was going to lose some weight, but I knew I was going to gain.
Anyway, I am rambling and need to get my dinner dishes cleaned up. Will be back soon to talk all about the BB!
AJ
Sorry guys. I am obviously not the computer genius I make myself out to be… I tried to upgrade to the newest version of WordPress (2.7) late last week and yeah… EPIC FAIL. Obviously. I have been super busy with work and 5 year-old-twin boy’s birthday party that I was not able to sit down and work on fixing my EPIC mistake until tonight. I figured I had f’ed it up big time and that it would take HOURS to fix. Well, because of Slackermama and her AMAZING posts about Wordpress, I had it totally fixed in ONE CLICK. Yes, you heard it right folks, ONE CLICK. And I will be eternally grateful for her. Like name my first born child Slackermama.
So I am back!!! WHOO HOO!! I have been having major withdrawal (though I haven’t been posting lately…) why is it that you always want what you can’t have?
My life has been hella crazy busy… I have been:
- working
- holiday shopping
- attending a twin birthday party
- cleaning up cat poop on the kitchen floor
- NOT working out (bad)
- going to WW meetings and learning about the new momentum plan (AJ Likes)
- only gaining .8 in 8 weeks of NOT going to WW meetings
- madly wrapping holiday gifts
- madly making and wrapping work holiday gifts
- getting, putting together and using the new Bissell Pet Hair Eraser vacuum (love it!!!!!)
- learning how to correctly spell vacuum (I always spell it VacCUm)
- taking pictures of my FIRST.GIVEAWAY.EVER!!!!!!!!!! (more on that very soon)
- playing Guitar Hero until 2am a couple nights because I can’t put the friggin guitar down
- and finally, watching WAAAAAAY too much TV.
I will post the contest soon (like tonight). I am VERY EXCITED to be giving something away on my site!!!
Night!
AJ
PS: DId I mention that it is FREAKING COLD AS IT CAN BE HERE???
I know, I know… I was MIA again. Here is the quick update of where I have been and why I am MIA right now… I promise I am not abandoning this (new) site and I really want to get back to the cathartic outlet. Soon, soon. Hopefully I can get me in a better place and my next 5 things will be all positive instead of negative…
- WORK IS B-A-N-A-N-A-S (thank you Gwen Stefani). We are still going through the restructure which has been stressful at the very least. Everyone is crabby and stressed up, no one is working at full tilt, and I have spent most of the last 3 weeks running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get all my work done. We find out by Sept 24th what new job we will be doing and if we will have to move to do it. I am tired and drained and ready to be done with this damn restructure.
- MY HIP IS KILLING ME!!!! After weeks of sleepless nights (unless I took Tylenol PM), I finally went to a new Chiroand was adjusted Friday… I slept a full night for the first time in probably a month. My hip is horribly out of place most of the time and I hope the new Chiro will be able to help me. I am having xrays done Monday and may need a new MRI (had one before the breast reduction 4 years ago but it stopped at my bra line) and the Chiro (being a bit new-agey) wants me to get a new “T3-T4″ Thyroid count and a full CBC at the doctor on Wednesday. Results coming your way soon. I just am happy I am not tossing and turning anymore and the pain was keeping me from walking and sleeping which leads me to
- I FEEL SO FAT!! It is such a slippery slope. I am in pain all night, so I am not sleeping, so I am super tired and bitchy, so i am NOT GROCERY SHOPPING, so I am not cooking or packing a lunch for work, so I am EATING CRAP FROM FAST FOOD PLACES 24-7, so I feel like crap, so I AM NOT WALKING OR STRENGTH TRAINING, so I am feeling like a fatty-bo-batty. ACK. Oh, and it has been raining for like 36 hours here (and the remnants of Ike hasn’t even made it to the Midwest yet, but it is supposed too) and we are under multiple flash flood warnings. I need some sun!
- My grandpa called at 7AM this morning – my grandma fell, AGAIN, this time in the backyard. She did not re-injure her shoulder (thank GOODNESS) but she did severely sprain her ankle. They kept her in the hospital last night as she was not able to use crutches with a broken shoulder, but my grandpa just called to tell me she came home about 20 minutes ago with a “boot” and 1 crutch. I may have to head back to their house to help them as my grandpa is suffering from CHF (Congestive heart failure) and COPD (something having to do with pulminary issues… it is a breathing thing like emphasema) and he can’t take care of himself and now she is gonna have trouble getting around.
- I am really sorry to say this, as I try to keep my blog PG, but I am lonely and am in the need of some gentleman company. In other words, I need to GET LAID. OK, that is all I am gonna say about that. I have heard from “the secret” readers that if you put it out there, it might happen, so universe, it is out there– though I feel like a fatty and have no idea where I am gonna be working (maybe) after Dec 31(so I am a WONDERFUL catch right now), UNIVERSE, DO YOUR THING!
One good thing – MAD MEN!! OMG, it is getting soooo good again this season. I am such a sucker for that freakin show… let me know if you are watching it. Before I go, let me share my favorite recap blog – What’s Allen Watching. If you are a MadMenner, You will LOVE his recap. Really. He get’s indepth and I think he is me except with scary-good writing skills and man parts. More soon!
AJ
The good: I WAS down 1.6 yesterday at WW. 4 weeks=down 4.4. I have also made it to the next level of points, 25 instead of 26.
I need to vent now. Thank you internets for listening to me, and thank God I never shared this blog address with anyone I know IRL.
The not so good: I have been extremely pissed off at work since Monday over something that a co-worker asked if I would do, I was (am still) overwhelmed with projects that I deem important, I told her no (I can count on one hand how many times I have said no at work in FIVE YEARS) and my boss came to me later in the day and told me this other project was more important that my job and I was the only one available to do it as the project was due on Friday. I am pissed for a few reasons:
-
I NEVER say no. I am always there for my co-workers when they need help. EVEN for those that don’t ever do work.
-
Since I never say no, when I do say no, I expect my co-workers to understand that I must be overwhelmed and to respect my own stress tolerance evaluation.
-
Others said no to this project, and the response to them was “OK”. I say no, and the response was “Nope, you do it”. WTF?
-
The person who was originally given the job, ON MARCH 6TH NO LESS, decided she was too busy to do it on FRIDAY of last week. It really makes me angry when others are not responsible enough to plan out their time and pass shit on to others at the last F’ing minute.
I think I am most mad at this since last year I was told that I had to find a new job because my department decided to downsize my job. I scrambled and found a new position in another department and started in January. My old department is mostly staffed in our headquarters, I am in a regional office. While they are nice people, they do not help the regional offices. I can’t even count how many times they have said no- TONS of time. Our work is not deemed important to them (seeing an organizational pattern?) The project I was forced to work on came from my old department. I feel like “so I am good enough to work on your M-F’ing project now, but I was not good enough then?!?!”
The other thing that REALLY makes me mad, is that when I contacted my old department for some information (after I had worked on the project for a whole day), they pretty much said they would have worked on it if they would have been asked.
Such is my F’ing life right now. I am tired, I am stressed out, I am having severe diarrhea (Sorry, TMI), and I am going to end up working on two very important projects all weekend that are due Tuesday. Next up, a severe illness that is from my immune system being warn down from too much stress. Pity party for one, please.
OK, now I am done venting.
Anyway, with all this stress, I can’t believe that I am not stress eating. Amazing – usually I would be knee deep in cheese fries.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
| Morning |
| 2 item egg white(s) |
0.5 |
| 1 serving Starkbucks non fat no whip 2 pump mocha, 3 pump vanilla |
5 |
| 6 oz Strawberry nonfat yogurt |
1 |
| 32 oz water |
0 |
| Subtotal |
6.5 |
| Midday |
| 1 6-inch Subway Club® Sandwich (with less than 6g of fat) |
6 |
| 1 tsp Vinegar |
0 |
| 1 package Apple Slices |
0 |
| 1 Tbsp Light Mayonnaise |
1 |
| 32 oz water |
0 |
| 1 small clementine |
0.5 |
| Subtotal |
7.5 |
| Evening |
| 8 fl oz Diet Coke |
0 |
| 1 serving steamfresh brown rice |
3 |
| 1/3 cup canned green peas |
0.5 |
| 1/3 cup cooked green beans |
0 |
| 1/3 cup cooked corn kernels |
0.5 |
| 1/3 cup fresh lemon juice |
0 |
| 1 tsp lemon pepper |
0 |
| 1/2 breast uncooked boneless, skinless chicken breast |
3 |
| 32 oz water |
0 |
| 1 tsp olive oil |
1 |
| Subtotal |
8 |
| Snacks |
| 1 item Chocolate |
1 |
| 2 Rice Krispie Treats |
2.5 |
| Subtotal |
3.5 |
| Food POINTS values total used |
25.5 |
| Food POINTS values remaining |
0 |
| Activity |
| 0 min 6694 Pedometer Steps |
0 |
| 0 min 2252 Pedometer Steps |
1 |
| Activity POINTS values earned |
1 |
| Check off these important items daily: |
Water
  |
Milk & Milk Products
|
Fruit & Vegetables
|
Multivitamin
|
Oil
|
Activity
|
|
Notes
down to 25 pts today |
|
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