I dieted for 16 years.

At 15, I decided I was “fat” and I needed to lose weight. I had my first “boyfriend” and was fretting about his feelings for me.

Since puberty hit at 11, I had boobs, hips and thighs for days.

I wore a bra in second grade.

I was hit on repeatedly by boys – but because I was a ‘good girl” (and only 12 for pete sake!) I did everything I could to keep the boys away- and if getting “fat” meant no one gave me a second look, then bring on the chips and french fries.

In 7th grade I was dumped by my “boyfriend”. Because he had a bad reputation, (he currently has 3 kids by 3 different women)  I had the stigma for a few years of being “easy”.

I am the opposite of easy.

So I ate, and ate and ate and ate, hid the pain and the embarrassment of the “easy” stigma, and got bigger. And the boys stopped looking at me.

But I was never “big”. Not the kind of “big” that rude people point and state at. I was “stocky.” “Big boned.” I had big boobs and a curvy waist – my hips were proportionate to my chest- and I was healthy. I was still attractive.

But I was unhappy.

When I was in college, I yo-yoed and gained and lost the same 30lbs each year. Fun times. Everytime a man looked at me, I subconsciously started eating more.

I look back at past pictures and think- MY GOD YOU WERE TINY.

But back then, I thought I was a hideous fat-ass that needed to put down the pie.

Ah, the college years.

Then when I got my first “real” job out of college (in Oct 2001) I gained about 35lbs — it was not pretty. My face ballooned, I didn’t take care of myself and I was depressed. I was not fond of my job or my life situation at that time. I joined Weight Watchers at Work, and lost 25lbs and felt great. Great enough to apply for a job in Chicago.

I got the job and started in Oct 2002. I loved the job, the city and the people. Wile I gained 10lbs in pizza alone, I was walking and treating myself better than ever.

Then I got lazy. And stopped. And gained. And got to my biggest ever.

Then I found an amazing doctor who listened to me and my goals, and went on Phentermine.

I went to Weight Watchers and STAYED FOR THE MEETINGS.

I worked out.

And I lost 35lbs, had a (medically necessary) breast reduction, and was in the best health of my life. I was walking 2 hours a day! I was eating small portions!! I felt AMAZING. I loved life.

Then I went off Phentermine.

Then the tsunami in South Asia hit (I work for an international non profit). I was hella busy with work.

Then I got lazy (again).

And I gained a little back.

Then I was forced to move across the country for my job.

Then I was laid off and was told I would be moved back to Chicago.

Then I got tired and emotional and lazy and hungry and every other excuse in the book.

And I gained back alot more.

I feel and look my worst.

And here we are in present day.

And I am 6lbs from my heaviest.

Why did I go through all that I went through the past 16 years if I was just going to end up back where I started??? This leaves me with the only answer I can think of:

I am DONE WITH DIETS.

This is my manifesto- my plan. My way of becoming and loving ME again.

My plan is simple:

• Nov 2- Nov 30. —-> 29 days to becoming the ME I KNOW I know I can be.
• 29 days of eating nourishing foods and stopping when I am full, drinking water, MOVING MY BODY, and treating myself with the respect I DESERVE.
• The first week I will stick to veggies, fruit, lean meat, whole grains and only water.
• After that, I will restrict only SODA and eating out at the “popular” fast food joints.
• If I eat out, I box 1/2 of my food before eating. No ifs, ands or buts.
• I will work up to 2 hours of “moving” a day– be it walking, treadmill, weights, workout DVD, Wii Fit or Active, etc. I have to move my body to change my life.
• I will wear my pedometer all the time (or Bodybug if I end up getting one).
• I will check in once a day through Twitter, blog posts, vlog posts and photos- any combination.
• NO WEIGH-INS ALLOWED.
• I will visit my doctor and we will decide if I should go back on Phentermine. If so, I will share.

That’s it.

That’s my plan.

It’s not a diet.

It’s not a shortcut or a short-term plan.

It is the way I am going to teach my body how to live in the real world. After Nov 30, I will re-assess. I will prepare for my bootcamp class that starts in December. I will post again with my December goals.

I will make it this time.

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4. Lose a Few Tears
5. Lose my Body Issues