My mom was sick a lot when I was little. She is bi-polar, and was in and out of the hospital most of my childhood. I lived with my grandparents  most of the time until I was in 4th grade.

Since I only got to see my mom randomly, I have mental snapshots of the fun times we had when we did get to see each other.

Like when she bought me my first camera. (I was so cool. Le Chic brand, thank you very much)

Or when “we” lit up the bridge in the Quad Cities. (long story)

But my most vivid memory was hunting down the highly elusive Marvin Gardens game piece during the few weeks run of McDonald’s version of Monopoly each year.

My mom and I would order whatever food had pieces, grab our gameboards (yes, they had printed game boards/sheets before the online version, you young whipper-snappers!) and end up with all the same states we had before.

I love me some Mickey-D’s fries, and I love me some Monopoly. Add them together!? PERFECTION!

We have played every year since the first, even the last 8 while she has been in CA and me in IL/GA. We giggle over the phone about how hard it is to find “the winners”.

But fast forward to me now, today, and my addiction to the game IS NOT HELPING MY WEIGHTLOSS.

I was out running errands this morning and I drove past the local store and saw the MONOPOLY 2009 sign hanging on the front.

Damnit.

In the drive-through line, I saw that not only are the large fries part of the promotion, but my favorite, NUGGETS, are now a part of the game line-up.

Double Damnit.

So Fatty McPhatty me got a large drink-diet (EXTRA GAME PIECES!) a large fry (DITTO!) and a 10 piece nugget (DITTO DITTO!). When I got home, the *&%&^%$^%$ fries did not have a game piece (GRRRR!), but I am well on my way to high(er) cholesterol, a bigger ASS and winning 50 bucks. Or a free Medium Fry.

Yea, me.

—

I never eat at Subway—not because I don’t like it, but because I don’t think about it. I am not a big sammie kind of person, and I really don’t like coldcuts anymore after watching a Modern Marvels program about how they make them. (EW.)

But my Phat-ass will be first in line when the Scrabble game comes back. (crap, just looked it up online for a link- I totally missed it this year!!)

What is wrong with me?

I.

Will.

NEVER.

Win.

The.

Big.

Prize(s).

But being the market maven I am, I have to try damnit. Marketers know “my type”. They LOVE ME. The WORSHIP ME. They CALL TO ME. And it works. They know just what buttons to push.

But what bugs me with the Mickey D’s promotion—Why can’t they put a game piece on the side salad? Or the Apple Dippers? I would totally buy them. At least at Subway game pieces come on apple slices and healthier subs.

And that is why I hate they above games right now. Just let me win the war of fat, please. Then I will come back and eat (a small) fries once a week. I promise!